Today Lorelai and I were sitting on the couch getting our weekly dose of Modern Family on Hulu when I got that feeling something was crawling on my arm, for once something actually was. I ended up shooing it off of my arm instead of squashing it.
So, you could imagine my surprise, when again I found the determined creature crawling up my arm. However, this time when I tried to squash the spider it jumped onto Lorelai's foot... at which I just about had a coronary. "Get off my baby!" I told the spider as I tried to smoosh the life out of it again... to no avail.
Two hours passed as I obssessively scratched every part of my body red and stared at the love seat we moved from waiting for the spider to show itself.
Finally, it crawled across my foot... flipping stalking spider! I practically threw Lorelai into her swing as I rushed at it with a controller, when I made contact at last I screamed, "What now BITCH!"
I then continued to lecture the "spiders" in my house telling them that I don't buy this karma theory crap of my mom's and I am going to kill them all! I notice a spider on the ceiling... actually I think I've seen it before. I grab my towel and squash the crap out of the ALREADY DEAD spider... I think to myself, "Hmmm I hope it wasn't one of those that sacrifices its body for its young to eat when they're born." Guess we'll see.
This was the end of my adventure, or so I thought, when I heard a knock at the door. Again it was my altruistic, half-naked neighbor asking if everything was alright... I assured him it was and that I had had another nightmare... he looked skeptical since I was in full dress, the tv was on, and so were all the lights. (Who cares what he thinks his marriage is failing)
Until next time you filthy, eight-legged bitches!
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